Tomorrow night, in case you didn’t know, the National Basketball Association’s 2010-2011 regular season begins. LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh will play for the first time in the regular season (depending on how D-Wade’s hammy is doing) against the runner-up a season ago, the Boston Celtics. Followed up on all your televisions (on TNT! Where re-runs of Law & Order happen), The reigning league champion Los Angeles Lakers will take on the Houston Rockets, a dark-horse candidate for the Lakers’ crown whose hopes resting on the pieces of metal in a 7-foot-6-inch giant’s foot and 24 good minutes a night.
If you have a TV and can handle catching Glee on Hulu Wednesday morning (…ahem), I highly recommend you park yourself in front of it for, oh, about five hours. If you like watching basketball, it’ll be like waking up from a long nap, having to suffer through inferior sports (baseball) or sports that only happen on the weekend during the day (that’s prime fun time). I’ll be happy remembering what it’s like to watch a sport that you truly understand on every level (never played organized football, or was any good at baseball). I could watch the Lakers all day (if I were an objective observer), and YouTube Vince Carter all night.
However, I am aware that I am not like most people, and most people don’t eat, drink and inhale basketball like I do. So for most people, hear’s what you need to know if you want to fully enjoy tomorrow night:
Heat vs. Celtics – 7:30 EDT, TNT
Boston Three Party will face off against the NBA’s Next Big Three, or as Cavalier fans like to call them, [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]ers. For those of you who’ve been trapped inside a whale all summer (or, y’know, busy), the Miami Heat won the offseason by giving the raspberry to the rest of league, signing not just LeBron James, but five-time All Star Chris Bosh.
Ed. Sidenote: If you want to know why it was Miami instead of anywhere else, it’s not because LeBron wanted the spotlight on Dwyane Wade instead of himself. It all comes down to one reason: there’s no income tax in the state of Florida. If you think someone making $110 million doesn’t think of the income tax, you’re just not seeing the whole picture.
Dwyane Wade and I have both hurt our hamstrings recently, and as I’m sure D-Wade can attest, a pulled hammy just doesn’t heal fast. Playing through it just makes it worse. He’s much tougher (but only slightly more talented) than I am, so he’ll do everything he can to do overcome that hamstring and play at an elite level, but I don’t consider tomorrow night a true unveiling of this team. That’ll come when Wade is fully healthy. Then this team will break records.
The Celtics are the most befuddling team to the mass media. There’s this team of old dudes who “used to be so great” but “have lost a step,” and “are on their last legs.” The media (those bastards) loves to throw out clichés like that. They also like to use buzzwords like “leadership,” “veteran presence,” “toughness,” and “Kevin Garnett’s a freakin’ psychopath.” I might be the only one who says that, but they’re all thinking it. So are you.
The Celtics may be old, but they just win man. They took the Lakers to seven games in the Finals, losing only after they lost their starting center, Kendrick Perkins, to injury. They bring their entire core back, and have added two O’Neals. One of them used to play with the afore-mentioned James…just last season, in fact.
At 7:30, all of these story lines converge, and TNT will have a night of ratings that will still fall short of Glee by several million people, but David Stern and the players association will be happy that no one is talking about the impending lockout for a day or so. I suggest you tune in if you want to see what Magic Johnson covered in tattoos looks like (hint: it looks like Bron Bron).
Rockets vs. Lakers – 10:30 p.m. EDT, TNT
Before I write anything else, I must give you all full disclosure: I am a Rockets fan. I have been since I was four years old. I love them. I just got a Hakeem Olajuwon jersey for my birthday. I watch them every chance I get – so yes, you should take the next few paragraphs with a grain of salt.
The Rockets ARE GOING TO WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIP. IT’S FUTILE TO RESIST. YAO MING’S SURGERY WAS PERFORMED BY CHINESE SUPER-ROBOTS, AND HIS FOOT IS NOW MORE MACHINE THAN MAN. THEIR GM, DARYL MOREY, IS VULCAN, WHO LIVES ONLY IN THE WORLD OF LOGIC. THE ONLY MISTAKES HE COMMITS ARE THE ONES HE DOES ON PURPOSE, TO COVER HIS TRUE IDENTITY. THIS TEAM WILL NOT FAIL BECAUSE FAILURE IS OUT OF THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY.
OK, now that I got that out of my system, I should warn you that the only things that can derail the Rockets’ championship goal are health, bad luck, and a lack of talent. While Yao Ming, Kevin Martin, Luis Scola and Aaron Brooks are all fantastic players, Yao is the only one who, in his prime, could pass for dominant. Martin is the only elite scorer, and he’s only elite in his efficiency, not his ability to take over a game à la Kobe, LeBron, Durant and Wade. Scola and Brooks are nice, even borderline All-Stars, but it’s an accepted fact that without even one dominant player, no team can win the championship.
I wish I could tell you that basketball is the ultimate team sport and can overcome a lack of “THE guy,” but one player must be a dominant individual talent to win a championship in the NBA, and the Rockets don’t have one. From the Lakers (Kobe) to the Celtics (Pierce, Garnett), the Spurs (Tim Duncan) and even the Pistons (Chauncey Billups and, defensively at least, Ben Wallace), there was always one go-to guy. If Kevin Martin can develop that ability playing alongside Yao Ming, the Rox have a chance. But if he can’t, the Rockets don’t.
The Lakers don’t have the same problem. They have one of the 10 greatest players of all time in Kobe Bryant (it’s futile to argue, don’t even bother), one of the 10 best players in the league today (Pau Gasol), and a supporting cast (Ron Artest, Lamar Odom, Andrew Bynum) that rivals anyone else’s. They’ve won the past two championships, and must be considered the favorites this year despite that team in South Beach.
Phil Jackson came back but his OCD can’t win championships if they’re not in groups of three, Gasol continues to improve, Ron Artest’s volatility gives this team a dangerous edge, and Kobe Bryant is the ultimate soul-destroyer of the NBA – no one sends you chills more with a fourth quarter lead than Kobe. The Lakers are a scary team.
The Rockets do have a history of giving them a hard time though. If you remember a year and a half ago, Yao Ming went down with an injury that I’ve discussed ad nauseam in this space, and the remaining Rockets gave the Lakers all they could handle and took them to seven games, eventually succumbing and being the Lakers’ longest stop on the road to their first of two consecutive championships.
There you have it, an evening’s full of amazing basketball. I hope it doesn’t prevent you from doing TOO much work, but let’s just say my Monday is going to be busy while I clear my Tuesday night.
Str8 Ballin' 